


If I keep them in, such feelings will tear me apart

by savvyliterate



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-18
Updated: 2012-02-18
Packaged: 2017-10-31 10:12:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/342861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/savvyliterate/pseuds/savvyliterate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor and River coped with their diverging timelines in different ways. But, every so often, the universe decided to take mercy on them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I keep them in, such feelings will tear me apart

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place after "The Pandorica Opens" for River and in the future for the Doctor. There's an homage to a fic by betawho. See if you can spot it!

It really was a bad habit to have - escaping to a bar after an adventure with the increasingly younger Doctor. But, it was either that, go back to Stormcage or find something to distract herself with. As much as she loved archaeological digs, this was definitely one of those moments that called for a drink. River accepted the concoction that was named after the Doppler effect, which tasted very fruity and had an extremely high alcohol content.

"You know those are lethal." Jack Harkness slid onto the stool next to hers.

River ignored that remark. Of course she knew that, it was why she ordered it to begin with. "When are we for you?"

"No, 'hello, Jack, my old friend'?"

River absently turned the glass in her hands, droplets sliding onto the bar. "Jack. My old friend," she added a bit cheekily.

He huffed a bit. "Well, the last time I saw you, you were on the third one of those and had a hangover that lasted five days." He accepted a shot glass with hypervodka and clinked it against hers. He didn't add that she'd spent a good part of that time in tears, terrifying him to the depths of his soul. He'd never seen River Song fall apart the way she had, muttering about it being the last time. He knew it had something to do with the Doctor and Utah and vowed to punch him the next time he saw him, no matter whether he was in the right place in the time stream or not.

"This is after that." She took a sip, the alcohol burning pleasantly as it slid down her throat. "We've just done the Pandorica."

"No longer a fairy tale, huh?" Jack gave her a sympathetic look.

"No. Thank my mother. She's the reason we're all sitting here right now with our memories intact."

"To Amy Pond. One helluva a woman." Jack raised his glass in a salute before downing the shot. He signaled for another shot. "When's the last time you saw _him_?"

He didn't have to ask. River knew exactly who Jack was talking about. Not just the Doctor, but _her_ Doctor. The one who knew of Demon's Run, of Melody Pond, of Berlin, of their centuries-old marriage. Her hand fluttered to the handbag still looped over an arm, where she had tucked her diary after leaving her parents' wedding. She knew exactly when she had seen him last. On a birthday at least five years ago, the Great Frost Fair of 1814. Stevie Wonder, ice skating, making love next to an frost-covered lake under the stars. He'd kissed her forehead as he left, giving her a longing, sad look, then had disappeared.

Then, she'd come face to face with a version of her father that had never known her for the first time, and everything changed.

River took a second, bigger sip of her drink. "Our lives are back to front ... for the most part."

"I know that much, but you mean he's not visited you once since Demon's Run? Hell, I see you more often than that."

"It's all happened relatively fast. Demon's Run, Corsica, the Five Moons of Tyran. Utah for the second time, and we spent months looking for the Silence. Now the Pandorica. Plus, I've been away for quite awhile myself, working on that professorship I was telling you about." She couldn't quite meet his gaze. "He's getting younger and younger, Jack. If he crossed his own timeline, he risks unravelling everything."

"Still, out of everyone, he knows when he saw you last," Jack pointed out, his voice tight with frustration. "And what about you, River Song? It's not like you to sit here moping. Send him a message, say you're desperate for a shag and you'll meet on this fantastic planet I know called Ses …"

"I _have_ ," River cut him off, her own voice laced with fury. "Of course I've tried, but every summons has been answered by an increasingly younger version of him. How do you suggest I do it differently?"

"I don't know. Deface the oldest cliff face in the universe?"

The pain fled, and River tossed back her head, laughing until she was nearly in tears. She pulled out her tablet computer, keyed up a photo and showed it to Jack.

He whistled under his breath. "Nice," he said, drawing out the word in admiration. "What does the Gallifreyan say?"

"A date, map reference, and coordinates." And a very cheeky remark about the Doctor's bum, she silently added, grinning mischievously at the picture, but she wasn't going to tell Jack that.

"Well, look, if you're bound and determined to get yourself pissed, at least do it on something better than a Doppler."

"I like them. It's better than that space swill you've had three of."

"This space swill, as you call it, is the finest hypervodka in this galaxy." Jack ordered a fourth and leaned an elbow on the bar. "So, I've a proposition for you …"

* * *

"Look, I am very aware that I was violating the customs here, but this is a state of emergency. And you hush," the Doctor said as his latest companion opened her mouth to either help them or cause them to get thrown in prison - most likely the latter. Granted, he didn't think they had prisons here, but it was best not to mention it. "I appreciate your help, Phoebe, but you should have left that musket on the TARDIS."

"It worked, did it not?" Phoebe muttered under her breath. "At least I didn't shoot it this time."

"Well, there's that." Not that it was helping any, the Doctor thought as he eyed the spears behind held by the extremely pissed ancient Egyptians. He'd been hoping to take Phoebe to see the excavation of the Valley of the Kings. He'd really been hoping to run into the expedition he knew River had gone on at one point in the 1920s. She would have been an excellent guide, and she would like Phoebe quite a bit. Both of them were rather gun-crazy. At least River knew how to use her guns. He'd scooped Phoebe out of the Revolutionary War, when the young colonial had mistaken him for a Redcoat and nearly shot him in the heart. Thankfully, her aim had missed … and ricocheted into a weakened wall, causing a beam to split and her family inn to cave in. Phoebe decided it was best to take a holiday traveling the universe after that.

"Still," the Doctor lectured as the two backed up another couple inches, "hitting ancient Egyptians in the head with the butt of a musket isn't really the polite thing to do."

"What would you rather I have done? Have them kidnap me and make me a slave?"

"Well, it would have gotten us closer to removing the Xfan gem that is brainwashing …" The Doctor's voice trailed off as Phoebe scowled at him. "Fine! Just don't tell me I deprived you of an educational experience."

Phoebe muttered under her breath.

"Really, that's quite rude! A lady of your era shouldn't be talking like that." The Doctor batted away the spear.

"I'm not the one mouthing off …" Phoebe squeaked a bit as her arm was seized.

They were surrounded by 20 brainwashed Egyptians, and the Doctor was quite sure they were about to be sliced open, embalmed, decorated with hieroglyphics and tossed into the tomb they were currently constructing. It would be a nasty way to go. It really was best not to tell Phoebe that.

He didn't have to.

Just as one raised his spear to impale Phoebe's forehead, the Doctor heard the blast of plasma shots, and the man's shoulder erupted into a bloody pulp. He howled, screaming about the gods. The Doctor grabbed Phoebe's hand and immediately darted through the opening that the attack caused, spying the TARDIS in the distance. They could regroup, get the gem later.

Phoebe barely managed to scoop up the musket from where it was dropped a few feet away. "You said not to leave evidence!" she yelled as the Doctor mercilessly pulled her along, nearly yanking her arm out of the socket.

"Running now, cleaning up after ourselves later!" he called over his shoulder as the plasma shots kept pace with them. Phoebe glanced over her shoulder, hiked up her skirts as best as she could and managed to keep pace with the Doctor as they reached the TARDIS. He snapped his fingers quickly as they approached the door and pushed Phoebe ahead of him. He spun around, grabbed a familiar sleeve and pulled, and they tumbled into the TARDIS together, landing in a heap on the floor. Phoebe quickly shoved the door shut, just managing to keep the Egyptians out.

Phoebe pressed a hand to her chest and let the musket slide to the floor. "Who is that?"

The Doctor extracted himself from the stranger. Before he could say anything, the stranger rose and bowed. "Captain Jack Harkness, my dear lady."

"Oh, don't even start," the Doctor sighed.

"Really, Doc, is that a way to greet a guy who's saved your life? A very dashing man, mind you," Jack said as an aside to Phoebe, who was looking at him with stars in her eyes.

The Doctor groaned, but Jack was right. He had saved their lives. "Thank you," he said and straightened his lapels. He strode to the console and braced himself on it, trying to fight the familiar feeling of nausea that arose whenever he was around Jack. He was wrong, but it wasn't his fault. It was no one's fault but his own, though several had argued to the contrary. "At least you didn't kill them."

"Well, your old lady said you'd be pretty cross if I had." Jack grinned as the Doctor's head snapped up like a wolf that'd just scented its mate.

"Old lady?" Phoebe frowned. "He brought your mother?"

"Jack …"

"Oh, that gem should be recovered by now. Really nasty thing. It's being neutralized in one of the labs." Jack winked at him. "I hired myself the best archaeologist in the universe to sniff it out. Getting that thing was a piece of cake."

"Thought you said archaeology was rubbish, Doctor," Phoebe said, then startled. "Wait, so they weren't brainwashed?"

"Minor miscalculation on that, still we got the gem." The Doctor quickly pushed on a lever and sent them into the vortex, his blood humming as Phoebe grumbled under her breath. "Right, Jack, keep Phoebe preoccupied … and not in that manner! I want her in one piece when I take her home, and you know what I'm talking about. I'm going to go speak to your archaeologist."

"I'm sure I can keep Miss Phoebe busy for an hour or two." Jack tried to loop an arm around Phoebe's shoulder, but she brushed him off.

"Can I meet the archaeologist?" she asked, eyes eager. "He's bound to know a lot of history."

"She, and you can meet her later. I'm going to talk to her first." The Doctor straightened his bowtie and took the steps two at a time.

Phoebe watched him disappear down the corridor and pressed her hand to her mouth. She tugged on Jack's arm until he bent his head to hers. "He doesn't seem quite the type to have a paramour," she whispered.

"Oh, she's not his paramour."

"Is he married?" Phoebe's gaze snapped to the hall where the Doctor had gone. "Who'd marry him? She must be an angel."

"Don't say that to her. She'd consider it an insult." Jack clapped his hands. "Right, Phoebe, let me show you my favorite room in the TARDIS!"

* * *

The TARDIS was being exceptionally kind. She was always kind when it came to her child, and the Doctor could still hear Jack talking to Phoebe as he reached the lab that River preferred to use. It was more like a big library, filled with artifacts, a rather large desk that could comfortably hold two people (they'd tested its sturdiness quite a few times) and a lab equipped for an archaeologist. He really should go back and direct Phoebe into an area of the ship where she'd be nowhere near Jack, but he had priorities. Besides, Phoebe could take care of herself. She really knew how to use the butt of the musket quite well.

He'd planned to burst into the room, but instead, he found himself easing the door open. Her back was to him, her curls twisted back into a messy bun that went every which-way, and goggles were tied behind her head. She wore a lab coat and jodhpurs and boots peeked beneath the pristine white cloth. His throat went dry, and he wondered how early it was for her. Not that early, Jack had referred to River as a noted archaeologist.

"Hello, sweetie," River's muffled voice came from behind a face mask. "Close the door very carefully, I don't want this to detonate."

Because he really was rather fond of having the TARDIS in one piece, he followed her orders.

She wore domed red lenses, and with a tap of her gloved finger, they switched to green. She worked with delicate tools as she probed the gem. He fidgeted a bit, not quite sure what to do with himself, because suddenly he was aware that she was there, and it had been so long since he'd seen her. He'd started to wonder if this was it for them, if he was about to take her to the Singing Towers, and he didn't want that. So he did what he did best - he ran. No matter how lonely he was, no matter how much he ached to hear her voice or feel her pressed again him, he was sure that if he avoided it long enough, River could have a longer, fuller life.

But it couldn't be the Towers, because she was here, and he didn't think she was out of Stormcage yet. Oh, and Phoebe and Jack were there, and he didn't think he'd have an audience for such a thing. He approached the table as she straightened, pressing her hands to the small of her back and stretching. He automatically moved to massage it, then snatched his hand back as she flipped the goggles back to normal sight and took the mask off.

"When is this for you?" He could hear the tension in her voice, though she quickly tried to mask it as being light-hearted. Something was on her mind. "Have we done the Pandorica?"

"More than that." He could sense the underlying electricity between them and didn't want to play this game. But, it told him so much. She was almost there, and it made his heart twist and ache in a way that he wanted to cry. So, instead, he shoved his hands in his pockets. "You've done the Pandorica."

"Came straight from there after a detour." River peeled off her gloves and finally, _finally_ looked at him properly. "Then how much have we done, my love?"

"Pretty much everything," he said, and the relief in her eyes made him giggle, just a bit. "Hello, dear."

She beamed and looked like she'd been handed the universe on a platter. She reached out, trailing her fingers down his cheek. He leaned in to the caress, closing his eyes as her fingers danced over the slight stubble and sent shivers rushing up and down his spine. "Hello," she breathed, and then he couldn't wait any longer. His hand moved to her waist and she tugged him to her by the lapels, and then they were kissing and it was _magnificent_.

He didn't expect the kiss to be as soft as it was, because his hearts were already racing in anticipation. Her hands slipped around his waist, and he supported the back of her head, tilting her face just so and it was all an excuse just to bury one of his hands in her hair. The other crept around her waist beneath the coat and under her shirt. His fingers brushed against her bare skin, and she whimpered a bit into his mouth. He wants more, so he tried tugging the coat off with one hand as he traced her back. Gallifreyan symbols, kanji, hieroglyphics, anything he could think. But the more his fingers dance over her skin, the more she was moaning and making all of those lovely little noises that he loved, and they still had all their clothes on.

She broke the kiss and took care of the lab coat and goggles. "Sorry," she apologized. "It's … well, it's been awhile. Have you done the Frost Fair?"

"It was the last time I saw you," he admitted, and he felt her relax in his arms. "It's been the same for me. Awhile, that is,," he confessed.

"Five years," she said, and his breath caught. "I've been seeing quite a bit of younger you."

"Yes, well, I gathered that." Because he'd known he was sending her straight into that chain of unstoppable events. He scratched at his cheeks. "It's been about three. For me that is. Suppose it's not so long in our lifespan, but … oh, got a new companion! You'd like her. Has a thing for guns. Well, has a thing for blunt objects is more like that. I left her with Jack. Probably shouldn't have done that."

"I'm looking very forward to meeting Phoebe," River said, and the Doctor frowned at her. She gave him a cheeky grin. "TARDIS data files, my love. I did a little catching up as I deactivated our brainwashing gem over here. She'll be fine with Jack." She ran a finger up the buttons of his shirt, and he fought the urge to squirm. He grabbed her hand and pressed her into the table, himself into her, and there's no secret as to what's on his mind as he kissed her again.

This kiss was carnal, her hands were yanking impatiently at his shirt, and she was wearing _far_ too many clothes. In sheer frustration, he pressed a palm to the apex of her thighs and was rewarded with low cry as she rubbed herself against his hand. He trailed a finger up the inseam of her jodhpurs and _oh_ , right _there_. He rubbed her through the layers of cloth, small circles with the pads of his fingers that caused her to squirm, bite down a little too hard on his neck, and he pressed them both into the table … causing the gem to roll off the tray and crash on the floor in a spectacular mess of glass and noxious gas.

"I thought you deactivated it!" The Doctor yelped as he grabbed River's hand and pulled them out of the lab.

"Deactivated, sweetie, that doesn't mean it's not immune to being dropped." She looked more amused than worried. "Don't worry, my love, we didn't inhale too much of it."

"It's still a drug!"

"Of course." She stretched on her toes, nibbled at his ear, and everything went hot and cold all at once. "Does that mean you're susceptible to suggestion?"

"You bad girl." He turned his head and her mouth opened beneath his as he nudged her back into the wall. She drew a leg up, hitching it around his waist as he pressed into her. Her busy, busy hands had gone back to pulling off his shirt, and a brace sprang free as she managed to get one undone. He slid his hands down the flat plane of the stomach and to the button securing her jodphurs. A quick flip, and his fingers had them open, had slid into her knickers, and …

"And this, Phoebe, is two Time Lords mating against a vertical surface. They tend to do that sort of thing. Don't have them around to your place unless you invest in a good pair of earplugs. Right, 18th century America. Stuff a wad of cloth in your ears, you'll thank me."

"Jack," the Doctor groaned as River slid from beneath him.

"Sweetie, you can't blame him. Bless," she said and patted his arm. She tugged the coat around herself and extended a hand to the blushing Phoebe, who was doing her best to look and not look at the scene at the same time. "Dr. River Song."

"Right. Yes. Pleasure to meet you." Phoebe took her hand and her manners kicked in, executing a period-perfect curtsy. "I'm really sorry, Jack was just … showing me his favorite room." She waved a bit weakly a bit further down the corridor.

"He did?" The Doctor was suddenly all business as he neatly inserted himself between Jack and Phoebe. "What exactly did he show you?"

"It was really fascinating. We're going to keep going, but I got hungry."

"Jack!" The Doctor yelled.

"Relax, Doc," Jack said with a smirk. "Tell him exactly what we were doing, Phoebs."

" _Phoebs?_ "

"It was a lot of fun, Doctor, you've done it before, right?"

"Oh, I should say he has," River replied and the Doctor whirled on her. "Don't encourage them!" he ordered, dragging his hands through his hair.

"Let's leave them alone, Jack. I look forward to talking with you, Dr. Song!" Phoebe tugged on Jack's arm. "Didn't you say the kitchen was down here?"

"It was the last time I was on ship. Not sure about today, but we'll have a look." Jack saluted the sputtering Doctor and grinning River as he followed Phoebe down the corridor.

"And next time, I would like to drive Luigi's car, please, and do not tell me I look cuter as the Princess," Phoebe ordered as they disappeared into another room.

The Doctor stared at the door, at River, then back at the door. He pointed to it. "Luigi?"

She couldn't stop smiling. "As in Mario Kart. Vintage Nintendo game, early 21st century? Jack loves it."

He jabbed a finger at her. "You knew that!"

"Of course I did, my love. Someone has to beat him. Why don't you think he never lets anyone play Luigi?" She dropped a kiss on his lips and scurried down the corridor, disappearing into a different room.

* * *

It was _home_.

River stopped just inside the door to their bedroom, the smile falling away as she took in the familiar sight. The large bed made up in dark colors, the sitting area with an overstuffed sofa and equally comfortable rocking recliner. Books spilling everywhere, lined up on shelves, stacked haphazardly in various spots. There were little bits and bobs of tools laying about. It was comfortable and them. It'd been their sanctuary since her time in university, and it'd been years since she'd been in that room. She'd been on the TARDIS, of course, but never long enough to sleep. Because it had been with a younger Doctor who'd never had a physical relationship with him, this room had been closed off.

"Oh." She heard the Doctor's breath catch as he followed her into the room, and the look of wonder in his eyes made her realize that he hadn't seen it either in the three years it'd been for him. His hand slid down her arm, and she laced her fingers through his. She squeezed tightly, afraid to look at him at the moment. She didn't want to cry.

"You haven't been in here either?" She quickly shed the lab coat and threw it over the back of the sofa.

"Well, I haven't exactly looked for it." He seemed as fidgety as she and started to work on his boots, only to get the laces completely knotted. He swore under his breath and knelt to properly work on the tangled mess.

"Oh, sweetie." She joined him, batting away his hands as she went to work on the knot.

"Never really feels right without you around," he confessed as she got the lace free. She slid the boot off, her fingers ghosting over his foot. She felt the shudder run through him and smiled. She trailed a single finger over the top of his foot, slid up his leg and slowly rolled the sock down and off.

"I thought I'd never be in here again," she confessed as she busied herself with his other boot.

"I'm sorry," he said in a hoarse whisper. She couldn't keep the tears out of her eyes as her gaze met his.

"It's not your fault, honey." She cupped his cheek. "It's our lives, and we knew this would happen one day. I thought, when you left me after Utah, that it was our last time. Of course, you lie."

He tapped her nose. "So do you."

"All the time, my love." Her breath caught as he seemed to remember where he left off and his hands moved back to her waist to push her unbuttoned jodphurs and knickers down. "But, not now."

"No, not now," he agreed and cupped her between her thighs. His fingers lightly tickled her clit and she gasped, overbalanced and toppled into him. They landed in a heap on the floor just inches from the bed. She finally got his shirt open, her nails flicking over his nipples as he hissed. He pushed at her jumper, and she helped by stripping it off. They reached for her bra at the same time, a brief power struggle ensued, but he simply slid his hands beneath the band and cupped her breasts. Her fingers shook as she finally got the clasp free, just as he drew three fingers along her breast, caught her nipple between them and twisted _just_ so, smirking at the helpless cry that escaped her lips.

"Hurry, hurry, hurry," she demanded, working her hands between them and dragging them up the erection still trapped in his trousers. She wrapped her fingers around him as best as she could and squeezed, and his teeth sank into her bottom lip in response. He pushed her hands away and quickly shed the rest of his clothes. She stretched her arms, her fingers brushing against the leg of the bed. She grabbed hold of the sturdy wood as he slid into her, burying his head in the crook of her neck as she moaned.

She brought her legs together as close as she could, trapping him between her thighs as he slid a hand up to cup her breast. He dipped his head to nibble and lick as he ground himself ever so slightly against her, just enough to hit her clit just right. She couldn't stop the breathy gasps and the demands for "more" and "harder." But, the infuriating man, he just smirked and nipped the very top of her breast as he wiggled against her every so slightly, knowing that he was driving her mad.

She let go of the bed and pushed, rolling them over until she was sitting astride him. She lifted her hips, guided him into her and _there_. Her back bowed as she finally got him as deep as she wanted. Her hands slid down over his chest, and his slid around her bum, cupping and squeezing as she rolled her hips. He slid his thumbs around, tracing along her inner thighs until he brushed against her clit. He lightly stroked it once, twice, then pushed down hard the third time and the world suddenly spun away, the screams echoing through the room.

He suddenly rolled her onto her back, thrusting hard as he pushed one of her legs up and gripped it tightly. His pelvis rubbed against her oversensitized clit, dragging the orgasm and the aftershocks on and on until she was nearly hoarse from the moans and hitching cries that she couldn't stop. Just when she thought she would come a second time just on that alone, he shuddered and whispered her name into her neck before slumping against her.

"Are you alright?" he murmured into her shoulder, and for the first time, River realized he'd accidentally been slamming her against the very leg of the bed she had gripped minutes earlier.

"It's funny how many times we never make it to the bed," she observed. "Especially since it's right there."

"Beds are overrated," he proclaimed and rolled off her. He smiled over his shoulder at her, running a hand up her calf, stroking and kneading the tight muscles. She stretched languorously, then cursed as her head smacked the bed leg again. He laughed at her as she sat up, noticing that somehow she was still wearing one sock. She didn't even remember taking off her boots, much less a single sock. "Nowhere as cool as bowties."

"Well," she said as he found his shirt and tugged it on. Her eyes warmed when she recognized the bowtie he held and slid over to him. She wrapped it around his neck, running her fingers lovingly over the silk as she twisted it into loops and a bow. "Not all bowties are cool."

"They are!"

"This one is cool." River tapped her finger against the knot and brushed her lips over his. "The rest ought to go with your fezzes, and don't think I don't know that you sneak them onto the TARDIS."

"That's really rude," the Doctor grumbled, but returned the kiss all the same. He slid his fingers into her hair, kissing her passionately, and arousal kindled deep in her belly once more. She tugged him to her by his bowtie, and it took quite awhile before either of them got dressed beyond his shirt and bowtie and her single sock.

It took the Doctor a week before he could look Phoebe in the eye again. He'd been right about River and Phoebe getting along … a little _too_ well for his comfort and sense of propriety.

As for Phoebe, she managed to bribe Jack into letting her play Luigi. Her record stood at 34 wins to his six, and he vowed to defeat her some day.


End file.
